PAST NOTES

1995 — SIXTEEN

Eve
Do me a favor Dude. Alright go up to Dee
Dee. As soon as you see her and ask her if she’ll go
out with me and tell her I need an answer when I
see her at her locker at the end of the day. Ok. Cool.
Later,
Primo
“Tutti”

Well. I was wrong, there is another note from Primo in here. But gosh, how romantic is this one?

I can say, that asking her to go steady with him, for him, resulted in Primo & Dee Dee being exclusive for the rest of the school year. Then Primo fell off the face of the earth. He was one of those people in my grade who dropped out of school the day they reached the legal age to do so - I think it was 16. I lost a lot of high school friends to that. Out of the group I ran with from the begining, when I moved to this school district, I was the only one who graduated high school. One of my close girlfriends, Sally, came close, but she didn’t officially graduate until August after completing some classes in summer school. I was the only one who got to walk across the football field, collect a diploma, throw my cap, and get the hell out of there.

WIth the exception of basically Valerie, everyone who dropped out pretty much disappeared from my life, and my notes. You will notice later on that about halfway through my high school experience here, the senders of the notes will change slightly because after the 10th grade, a lot of my friends had reached 16 and were gone. Not all, some kids families moved, some kids were expelled. But my entire crowd changed. And for the better, sure. As if the kids who had disappeared were doing me any good. Not to say I didn’t seek trouble out on my own and get into plenty of, but I did get a $500 senior award/scholarship from the local pizzaria for “Most Improved Since Freshman Year” upon graduation if that means anything. I do recall I spent about all of that on clothes and drugs though, not books or food, or anything that would actually improve me.

1995 — SEVENTEEN

Eve,

What’s up you prep-bashing, zine-writing,
open-legged, Primo loving slut? I’m in studyhall
w/ 6 cheerleaders and a shitload of preps, like
Noreen McDowd, and Lyle McCUNTchesen. What a
waste of a period. We’re allowed to talk and stuff,
and those pansy-asses are doing their homework.
What a bunch of candy asses who don’t know
jack shit.
1st period I called some girl a freaking
nerd and the teacher took me out in the hall and
told me I would be working for that “freaking
nerd” one day, and I said “Hell’s no, I wont
work for no prep!” and the teacher wrote me up.
I’ll show you my write up slip, it’s in my locker.
Well gotta go.
Death to all preps, assholes and Kaleigh
Cunningham!!
C-ya,
Valerie

Valerie was right - she never did “work for no prep”. She probably won’t, ever. These notes have too much foreshadowing. Today, she still needs to get herself together, and out of the situation which is her current state of affairs. She knows this. She is trying. She is capable. We have so much in common deep down, its just I am more functional, which doesn’t say a lot, because I consider my functioning slightly damaged. Neither of us got the education that many of the so-called “preps” did. We got each other though. We shared obscure cultural tastes that repelled most other kids our age. We knew about things that they didn’t. We loved fucking with authority more than absorbing anything they tried to teach us. We were blatently proud not conform to the behaviors or codes or standards of the norm. We both rebelled from the same cliche everything, she just liked cheerleaders a little bit more than I did. We thought we were so much smarter than everyone else, meanwhile she didn’t finish high school, I didn’t finish college, each with only one year under our belts. Despite all that, we are both fairly intelligent and informed people, but we’ve both been so incredibly stupid, in so many self-destructive ways. We have been through a lot together, but she has been to hell and back about a dozen times whereas I have never been once, let alone come back from, and then been thrown back to for more. Which is why I know I will never be able to truly understand where she is at right now, and that I could only help her if we lived in a perfect world, but we don’t, so I can’t, and that kind of kills me because she is worth it more than anyone I know.

1995 — EIGHTEEN

Eve,
Hey whats up? Hows your trip going? Ha ha.
I think that Artie Walden kid that sits next
to you in Sci class, likes you.
Everytime I turn around he’s always looking
at you and smiling.
That’s disgusting. He’s so ugly! I’m glad he
don’t know me or like me.
Bye
Jenny

This note was passed to me during an earth science class while I was on acid. I don’t know if she intended it to be so (probably, she was a bitch), but must have been to me, incredibly detrimental to my trip.

1995 — NINETEEN

*BECK * HOLE * NIN * NIRVANA*
*WHITE ZOMBIE * SMASHING PUMPKINS

Eve,
Hey man, my number is 666-8728 
But you can only call after 7:00.
There is this boiled arm dude sitting next
2 me. My study hall really suckes. But I’m not
suppose to be her or at least that’s what my new
schedule says. Next I have that fairy guy
Mr. Peterson. My dad had him in school, he
must be an old fogie. My dad has weed growing
at my house, and a hole shit load of it at the store.
Me and James Hill found it over the summer
when where searching for Gonzo the cat at my store.
Well I have to go.
Dave Bauer (the homie G)

Dave was likely practice on my game, with all of my ninth-grade welcome to the world girl sluttiness boldness. Look how fast I got his number. Those band names at the top of the note were perfectly pencil drawn into miniature renditions of the actual band logos. And then to close, he reveals illegal personal anecdotes in order to impress me. The grade before, I remember when I finally made it to sitting at the coolest delinquent’s lunch table at school - he sat at that table. It was after Halloween, because I remember us bringing in our massive bags of candy (that we had all become almost officially too old to collect) and getting ridiculously sugar high. This is probably going to sound like one of the most unwise things to do but as 13 year old drug glamorizing idiots, we smashed up our Smarties candies, cut them into lines on the lunch table, and preceded to snort them right out in the open view of the entire cafeteria. Amazingly, none of teachers, cafeteria workers or hall monitors at our enabling school did anything, let alone say anything. Dave and sat across from each other that day and cut Smarties lines for each other. That was the first time we’d ever really interacted. He was very cute and wore beat up converse one stars. He was one of the shyer boys in our group, whom I was just trying to get engaged in note-passing with me, but with hopes of trying to increase my dating pool, because I was still dipping in only the boys-my-own-age end of it. This note was before I just said fuck that and began to aim for older boys with cars, as a means of escape and cliche rebellion. That Eureka moment originally occurred probably about six-months from this time. Soon in these notes, will enter the first main-boyfriend character… the last one I was with who was the same age as me. Dave and I never dated, our personalities were just much too different. But we always remained on good terms, hung out in a group from time to time, but after a while, we drifted apart and the relationship boiled down to pretty much just saying hello in passing and having graduated in the same class.

1995 — TWENTY: A

Shorty the pimp
He walks with a limp
He gets all the ladies
Shorty the pimp

Hey Easy E,
Was up homey? Hows your balls? Mine
are great. How’s Valerie DiGiovanni? Tell her I said
Skoonie! How’s Weetize and Dee Dee? Tell them
Skoonie for me too. Its alright here in the God
Posse. Some people dress funny.
Anyway there are 2 hot dudes on my mind. This
dude named Kyle Kempner and this other dude
named Ryan Manning. I liked Ryan on the first
day but the 3 day Andrea stole him. So now I’m
obsessed with this dude Kyle. He is the epitimy of
FINE! He’s all that and then some- tall + handsome.
Tell Weetzie to tell Waffies I said 8 inches.
Freaky Fresh!
Bye punanny
Franny Marie

This is the first half of a massively huge note given to me by Jackie - one she had spent days working on, including getting other people, such as Franny Marie above, to contribute. The second, much meatier, half should appear here shortly.

Among the other inside jokes (some referenced above), she and I used to sing the Shorty The Pimp refrain to each other, during the one year of school we were together. I never even knew where the lyrics were from, even though I knew how they went, until I unearthed these passed notes 10+ years later and googled them. I think I find that both hilarious and depressing?

What I find really awesome is that Franny became a total metalhead somehow in the time from this note (the last I ever heard from her) to about 2004 or ‘05, when we discovered each other on MySpace. She moved to England and got married to another metalhead and all I know about them is that they have the most deliciously demented senses of humor and are seriously fucking metal. MySpace is the only way I keep in touch with her, but she leaves the best comments ever, and I do not say that lightly:

• Exhibit A
• Exhibit B: “Dieser Bildschirm war auf Deutsch? Ja? Sehr sprachlosSEIENDER Verstand. Warum vertrauen Bären den Menschen? Dieses ist meine Esel Bohrung, bumsen sie ja.” Translation: “This screen was on German? Yes? Very much speechless speechless-be-being that understanding. Why do bears trust humans? This is my donkeys drilling, bumsen it ja”
  
• Exhibit C
• Exhibit D: “Ever been to England? This is exactly what its like”
• Exhibit E: “My husband said all of my friends on myspace are hideous ugly land manatees except for you. I think he meant that as a complement.”
• Exhibit F: “pictured above, a new species found. the world’s first Eve. This clever photographer was able to lure the creature out of its grassy hiding place with the promise of a treat. The animal is very agile. It spends most of its time crawling on its belly in the tall grass like a snake. But, here it demonstrates it’s climbing skills, like a monkey, although tailess.”
  

1995 — TWENTY: B

Eve,
Hey babe. I miss ya lots too. This school
really isn’t so bad. It has a lot of hotties. There’s
these two dudes that we mostly hang out with. One’s
in 10th, his name is John Swanson + he’s a skater.
The other’s name is Kyle Kempner, he’s in 9th, he
wigga-fied but he’s cool. (and rich$!)
Anyways – there’s this other dude in 10th
that I’m becoming friends with. His name is Martin
Frye. He skates during recess and he’s like showing
me all these jazzy little moves. He told me to call
him “Huevo” or something which means eggs in
Espanol. And now there’s this cool mac daddy
tryin to read this note. I forget his name but he’s
pretty okay. There’s this dude and me and Fran
Marie always talk to him cause his name is
Christian Coceau. But it sounds like Cock-Chew!
We told him that and he thinks its like great or
something. Oh ya – I’m not gonna like name every
person I talk to but there is one hottie that tops ‘em
all! His name is Justin Camden and he’s a skater.
He’s in 10th or 11th but he has a lot of classes with
me. He’s really nice, he’s not mute like some freaks.
*N-E-ways * - So you wanna die,
commit suicide … dial 1-800-cyanide-line… that
song’s mad crazy yo! I’m sure counsulers are on
your ass already! Damn they suck. Mr. Swid sucks!
Oh tell Carl that I don’t think I’ll be
goin anywhere for a while. I am NOT talking to
that fag I have for a father. But tell him I said
I + that my dad was on the phone, that’s why I said
I had to go so quick.
Oh and tell Primo that I didn’t believe the
things that everyone was saying. That wasn’t the
reason I broke up with him. I don’t know what my
brother told him but what I wanted him to tell
Primo was that I knew he didn’t like me anymore
so I thought it would be better if we just stopped
seeing each other even though I still liked him.
But the reason why I got so pissed at him was cuz
I found out from a lot of people (trusted associates)
that he liked DeeDee and he cheated on
me for some other chicks or something……

Hi Eve! Andrea Walden here! How are ya? Hope ya’ll
chillin’! Well call me babe! Tell Bobbie Sue Heller I
said wud up? Thanxs- Andrea
P.S. I saw you on Rikki Lake! Just kiddin’!

…Anyways – even though I didn’t really
believe it or didn’t want to believe them, I figured
that since everyone was saying something similar
there had to be some truth to it. And he didn’t act
like he liked me anymore so instead of
* beatin around the bush *, I just told my
brother to tell him I didn’t want to see him anymore
even though I still liked him.
So you see my dear, I was not mad at him
first, but after all the things I heard he said about
me and how I was. And about Cody Braverman and
all them… I never really wanted Cody to like start
prankin him and all that shit. I was just REALLY
pissed. Actually I was more than pissed, I was like
really hurt that even after I broke up with him, he
like never called to even find out what was going
on or something. So then I thought that all the
things I heard must have some truth cause he
didn’t even care. And Cody + the rest of ‘em were
just there at the time when I just wanted to like
kill Primo or something. I never really wanted it
to turn out how it did. And I’m sorry I even got
Cody, Steve and Ross involved.
Anyways – even though I told everyone I
hate him, I really don’t. I was just fuckin pissed
+ hurt and the rest of that shit…
So, I think its easier if you just let Primo
read the shit I wrote in between the red lines cos
its gonna take a good piece-a-time to tell him all of
this novel I just wrote.

Hello – I’m home now. I stayed after today,
it was cool. Me + Fran Marie, John + Kyle hung out.
We went to Jesse Goodson’s house cause he lives up
the road from Chapel Queer. John, Fran Marie and
Kyle didn’t know him, but we needed a lighter for
the 2 jays they had. We couldn’t find anyone who
would let us go in the woods and use their lighter so
I told them I’d go to Jesse’s + ask him. When I asked
him he said his brother would let us use the lighter
if they came up to the house and shared it with them.
So that’s what we did and it was tres cool. Oh and
about the magazine thing. What kinda shit should
I write for it? Cos I can think of alotta crud that
pisses me off, but like what topics should I write
about and stuff?
Well I better go before this letter gets any longer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I miss ya lots babe. We gotta get together soon.
SOON! Tell the clan I said hi okay? And that I really
miss everyone.
Buh-bye sweetie
Jackie

This note is so epic I’ve got nothing to add.

1995 — TWENTY ONE

Eve (cherry bong) :
Hey schmuck, hows it going? Sorry I haven’t
written you back for a while, I’ve been quite busy
masturbating furiously. God, it was fun.
So…… you’re coming to my house after school
right? That’s cool. We’re gonna kill Chastity Carey
tonight. It should be fun. Perhaps you’ll join us?
Right now I’m in cool studyhall. It’s sooo————ooo
damn boring. No one good is in here. So is Tutti and
DeeDee still humpin’ around? I think that’s nasty!
With so many hotties infesting our school. How
could she choose a corn tooth?! Perhaps 10th period
you and I will meet for a stoge break? Sounds
appetizing? Good. Here is a sample of my favorite
quotes:

“If you light it, they will toke…” - ME           

Aint that fresh? I talked too Francine Marie
last night. What a fool. Jackie begged her to stay in
Crapel Field with her, so she said yes. I wouldn’t stay
in that God Posse school if somebody paid me!!
Spurs rule. They poked lots of girls w/ their
spurs! Well, I gotta do my homework now.
(I’m so ashamed). I’ll C-YA later.
Valerie

1995 — TWENTY TWO

Eve,
Hey girl, hows it goin?
N – M – H
I would have killed my father if he ever did that to 
me. Me & my friend Joe Smith are going to have a 
double suicide on the day after we graduate!
<BUT ANYWAY>
You have my number right? So you like Jim? That’s pretty cool. If you want I’ll see if 
I can set you up. Don’t feel bad about not having a 
guy! I don’t have one either. I’ll probably wont go to 
the football game. I think I’m going to the mall with 
Joe.
OK well I’m gonna jet.
So C-U – Later!
Lydia
P.S. Don’t worry I wont lose any of your notes!!

1995 — TWENTY THREE

Eve,
Whats up. Not really much here,
“When you suck suck hard then give me a 
kiss + you hit the stars” -me
Oh shit listen to this:
“When the doors of perception close man will 
see this as the truly are infantly.”
-Jim Morrisson
Sorry that I couldn’t kiss you after lunch but 
the teacher bitch was a watchin us. Well I gotta go.
W/B
Jim
P.P.S. I couldn’t call

1995 — TWENTY FOUR

Hey Eve,
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write. I miss 
you man.
So what’s goin w/ you + Jim.
Have you heard from him lately?
I don’t know who I like. Well I have some 
ideas, but I’m not gonna write it right now b/c there 
are some wondering eyes right now. So wut’ve you 
been up to?
Me – oh nothing just smoking, tokin and 
comtemplating murder.
Last year some shit went on in my house that 
was pretty drastic and then it got better and now its 
startin again and I don’t know if I can take it one 
more time. 
I don’t know if I told you or not. If I didn’t 
then Cadence + Primo are the only ones that know 
like in this world or sumthin.
I don’t think I told you cos we weren’t really 
friends at the time. So how’s your home/friends life. 
Mine just usually sucks and there’s no change. 
I wish this whole planet would explode and 
wipe out every person.
Oh this piece of shit planet.
That would be awesome. Then I wouldn’t 
have to worry about suicide. 
Oh hold up I’m scopin out a hottie…

… Damn! 

Anyways – I miss you, Cadence, Jarrett, 
Stephen, etc. so much its like I have this big empty 
space in me. And another person I really miss is… 
I don’t want to write it cos I’ve had bad luck with 
notes lately. But you probably could guess who he is. 
Oh ya I also miss chillin with Dave. I don’t know 
why but I do. I wish it was last year again so I could 
change things. Well I gotta go now. W/B
Jackie

P.S. where’s the notebook?

1995 — TWENTY FIVE

Eve,
Whats up. Not really much here. I’m in the library I rented the CD-Player and I listened to that song Tear Jerker and its really good. Hey that song reminds me of you. I guess that’s really good. Now I’m listening to Aeroplane. And Cailean is here I guess you know.
W/B
Jim

Hey Chick
Write me a letter
-ya
-Cailean-

1995 — TWENTY SIX

Eve,
I love you to very much. So whats up. Not realy much cool hear. Well I have to talk to you about us. Its not that bad but I’m not breakin up with you. I cant wait till that big kiss rolls my way. Alrighty I cant wait to see you again or 5th period. I read the lyrics to #9 (TearJerker) Your right it has nothing to do with us. Hey that girl on the front of the CD looks like you in a good way. I’m a waitin and a waitin but I still cant see you.
I love you + I cant wait to see you.
W/B
Jim

1995 — TWENTY SEVEN

EVE:
Whats up. Not really much goin here. I’m on the bus right now. Pretty cool. You are so Right I listened to “Tearjerker” again and it reminds me of you and me. I cant wait to see you again. That Big Kiss wasn’t that bad we’re gona have to try it a lot more, OK! How did you know Karyl Hayes. I’m gona talk to Valerie 1st period about you + me + a lot of other stuff. Well gotta go C-YA
W/B
JIM

Two notes ago, Tearjerker reminds him of us. One note ago, it has nothing to do with us. In this note, it reminds him of us. I just listened to it for probably the first time in over a decade. My heart sank to my stomach first for embarrassment, then for sentiment, and then I just started cracking up at the warm, cheese-stuffed feelings it gave me all over. I think all in all, it was just a sweet song to make out to, with absolutely nothing in it’s lyrics having anything to do with our particular fourteen-year-old first romance. And make out to it, we did. Awkwardly.

1995 — TWENTY EIGHT

Eve,
Whats up. Not much here too happy. Why you so mad at me. What did I do. I tried calling you last night. I didn’t want to leave a message + have you get in trouble. Hey I don’t want our relationship together to end.
When I told you that we were gona go smoke a joint you just said I’m not + walked away. I tried calling you back + you just kept on walking then you wouldn’t say hi or nothing. Whatever I did I’m sorry. But you gotta riesin with me. Write me back OK! I don’t want us to end up screaming at each other or us breakin up! OK I love you a lot.
W/B
Jim
P.S. I love you write me

1995 — TWENTY NINE

Eve,
Hey girl how’s it goin?
Pretty good here… so hows Jim? you guys just looks so cute together. I cant wait until Halloween. Type-O baby!!! I absolutely worship Peter Steele!
But Anyway………
Guess what! I got a boy! Sorry, a man! His name is Chris … Evans. I think. I cant be sure about the last name. He’s got blonde hair, intense green eyes, he’s about a head taller than me, very , very , very , Alternative. And in my opinion, very cute. He’s really sweet. Well I’ll write more later, bells gonna ring. Bye
Lydia
W/B ASAP

Lydia had been my matchmaker with Jim. My Satan-worshiping, goth-tastic, unexpectedly sober (because she was allergic to smoking pot), Type-O-Negative loving, 4’10” and ass kicking, double-suicide-on-the-day-after-graduation-planning matchmaker. Its weird though, I never saw her again after freshman year. No idea what happened to her. I sure hope she never went through with that whole double-suicide thing. I don’t think she could have though, because the guy she had been planning to do it with has been a mall cop ever since graduation. I only know that because I’ve seen him there, in his uniform with the regulation flashlight that all mall cops come armed with. You can tell he’s totally still goth underneath, too.